--- I think.
I have thinking for so long that I forgot when I begun to think.

Why people feel sorry?

I don't feel sorry...
Even when I heard that someone had passed away,
I couldn't feel sorry.
Oh, how long have I been like this?
Maybe I felt sorry for someone's death before I became like this.
But now, I don't feel anything about someone's death.

All the types of death has no meaning for me.

I can recall the day when a man, who had been loved by people,
suddenly passed away.
People cried for him.
But I thought... "Why are they crying?"

I think... Why?
Perhaps, there is no reason for those who are crying out there.
Someone's death always spreads heavy and painful feeling among people,
and people always cry when someone died.

I wonder if this is a natural system?
If it is, then, why I can't have the system?

I feel bad a little.
I feel bad when someone died.
If you saw me depressed when someone had died,
it wasn't the death that made me depressed.
Why I can't feel anything about a death?
Why people can be sorry for a death?
I think too hard and become depressed.

But I can't help thinking...
Do the crying people pretend to be sorry?
If they do, why?
It is because people think that it is natural to be sorry when someone died.
It is better to cry for someone's death.
Better? Who decided? I don't know.
Probably, it is a natural way of thinking.
No good. Be calm.
Think how mind and feeling works.
There must be something that we learn in our life,
but what is it?

No. It doesn't make sense.
Even if I can find a theory, I can't feel sorry over a death.
I can't have such a feeling.


And I'm still thinking...


Why people feel anger?


To get angry. It gives me a cause.

But I can't get angry as people do.
For ordinary people, anger seems to be something that they can't control by their reason.
If true anger is like that, I haven't had such a feeling
as long as I can remember.

There may be feelings similar to anger.
I feel them for me.
Jeers, despair, humiliation...
I have such negative feelings for me.

Maybe, sometimes I feel anger over me.

Imagine that if something was broken,
something that had been precious for me.
Then I thought, "Broken? I see".
That's all.
There was no difference between if it dropped on the ground,
being blown away by a wind,
and if some careless man dropped it.
Only the result is true to me.

I don't feel for the fragile things.
I can't feel for the things that I don't want to be broken.

Oh, I don't feel for ----.


Here I come, thinking.


Through a thin slit between two dark green shades,
burning sun shot me.


Here I am, thinking.
Thinking about the time when I can't forget.
I can't forget although I am far away from the place,
and although it has been long from the time.
Every when I remember it, it shines like a flash of light.
;;; You come around only to hurt the feelings of others! ;;; Lina said.
;;; Sorry to say, but you are only a burden for us here. ;;; Gourry said.
;;; You don't understand me at all... ;;; Ameria said.
They said. But they chose to be with me.
It was the time when I could change.
It was the time when I could feel.
It was a very short and very wild instant.
Although the instant was gone, the reflection of the time remains in me.

 Some feelings that I couldn't understand came and swallowed me.
I don't feel sad.
I don't feel good.
I couldn't feel irritated nor anger.


 ...!


I grabed my chest with my fingers.
My nails stuck to my skin so strong that my skin bled.
I could feel the pain, but even so, I couldn't feel the reality.
I couldn't feel myself, nor meaning of my existence.
I was covering my eyes with my hands, but through the slits between fingers,
there came light.
I bit my breath.

 Now, something filled all of me, making me shaking.

 I sign a low groan.

 And my groan made the trees stirred
and the wind whinnied.







"Oh?"

A frightened voice came and my mind came back to the reality.
There was a girl, watching me as if she had eyes of a cat.
She looked around, then she came closer to me.

 "Was that a magic? You made the trees and wind..." She said.

She stopped. She seemed to be very surprised.
"I didn't hear an incantation. So I wonder..."
She talked to hersself.
 "It couldn't be a magic if there was no incantation, but I felt it as a magic. Maybe I'm wrong... It was too emotional than a magic..."
I realized that she was still childish.
Suddenly, white sunshine shone on her shoulders.
"Oh? Just a moment, please! Can you stay here with me for a while?"
She said and sat on the ground next to me. She slightly narrowed her eyes.
"I sometimes feel lonely... I know that people seldom come to this lonely place, but I like to be here. This is a special place for me!"
She stretched out her legs, putting her hands between them, and looked up my face.
"Here I can feel good. My grandma said that here are many spirits. No Mazoku come here, because those spirits make a Mazoku feel bad. Do you think it's true?"

 ;;; Don't you think that you are more akin to us, Mazoku? ;;; Xelloss had said.

"And they say that here are sprites! Can you believe that? I think that a sprite is a tale..." The girl said.

;;; However, I still trust you, Zelgadiss... ;;; Ameria had said.

 "However, I think that a tale of sprite is good. It's exciting! Isn't it?" The girl said.

;;; You ARE great, Zel. ;;; Gourry had said.

"Hey, are you listening me?" The girl said.

;;; No matter what you are, I love you Zel. ;;; Lina had said.

 "Are you alright?" The girl said.

;;; Come here, Zelgadiss. ;;; Rezo had said.

"? ? ?"

The girl stood up, staring at me.
Her looks had all kinds of feeling, and it was too much for a man who lacked feelings like me.
I felt dazed.
...!
Suddenly, a white cloth fell on the ground from my face.
The girl slowly drew her hands back.
She looked down her fingers, tilted her head a little, and then, looked at me with upturned eyes.
She dropped her eyes on her feet and begun to walk without a word.
She came in front of me and turned her face back at me.

"... They say that if I can meet a sprite here, the sprite makes one of my wishes come true... I know that it's too usual! Too easy! ... But I want to meet the sprite, so I have come here time after time..."

I said nothing.

"When I was a child, I wanted to be able to use great magics. Every child hopes to meet a magician who can change a child into a magician!"

;;; Do you want power, Zelgadiss? ;;; The man in a red robe had said.

"... Yes, any child hopes." I said.
"Oh! My..."
I was just surprized by her reaction.
"Phew... Surprising... Oh, what shall I do? Anyway, I don't care what happens here." The girl said.
"You'll be able to use a magic."
"What?"
"You'll be able to use... great magic, as you said. I think that you are promising well."
"Really?"

"I..." I couldn't continue my words.
The girl turned to face to face with me. I saw something beyond my words in her looks, that was changing one by one rapidly.
"You will teach me magic."
I was still without a word.
"Great! I will learn a magic from a 'sprite'! I will learn a great magic!"
"No... You are wrong."
"Oh, I can't learn a great magic?"
"Yes, you can. I want to say that I'm not a sprite."
The girl stuck out her lips, then she burst out laughing as if she couldn't control it any more.
"What... what did you say? Great! Excellent! But a "sprite" won't say such a thing, I think."
I was without a word again.

She clasped her hands before her breast, and whispered with a mischievous grin.
"Please, make one of my dreams, come true."

;;; I... wanted you,;;; Rezo had said.
;;; If you were dead, I would be in trouble,;;; Xelloss had said.
;;; Let's go together,;;; Gourry had said.
;;; Without you, nothing will go on,;;; Lina had said.
;;; You will come again, won't you? ;;; Ameria had said.

"... Alright. ... Now, you enter into a contract with a Mazoku."
"..."
"...Don't take me serious."
"Oh, my... I believed you a little. There are many tales that end in that way. Oh, yes, if you tell me you are a Mazoku, I'll believe what you say, and still I will enter into a contract with you."
"You are very honest."
"Thank you. I think that when a Mazoku appears in a fairy tale, he is usually beautiful... very beautiful."

"... I'm not ... such kind of..."

But the girl turned to me as if she cut me short.
"I'll come here everyday, and you will teach me magic. Is it alright?"
"If you will come here, I'll be here."
"What?"
"A 'sprite" will be there, when a girl goes for it, right?"
"...! Will you promise me?" The girl reached out her hand for me.
Oh, I remembered that someone had reached out her hand for me as well...

"I will promise... swearing to the spirits that live here..."







Oh, what a whim... What a whim...
How long has it been since I made a joke last time?
Oh, what a whim I had... What a whim...

 --- If they do, why? ---
 It is because...
--- they think it is better to do so. ---
 Because I think that it is good to do so.

It's okay. That's all.
Alright, it will be a fun for me to play with the girl...

From tomorrow...

Oh, I forgot the meaning of "tomorrow".

But now --- I can feel.


Thank you b^3 for the fantasic story, and also for the page design and the calligraphy! * Original Japanese fanfic is here. *


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